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Discordia 1 FINAL DRAFT by ~bitemetechie:iconbitemetechie:



Issue One

Page One

Panel One: Interior. An office. Dark. The only illumination is coming from a desk lamp. The shadows are thick, heavy, oppressive. There is a figure in the room, outline clearly feminine, but the only distinguishing feature that is truly visible is a set of glasses lenses--highlighted by the light from the desk lamp. This figure is ELENA and though we can't see it right now, she is speaking into a cell phone.

ELENA: Yes, sir. The relic is secure.

Panel Two: Close up of Elena's glasses, reflecting the only light in the room.

ELENA: No, sir. No one can get to it. Not even the Caretaker. The wards have been put in place by our most powerful sorcerers. If anyone tries to use it, they'll be incinerated instantly.

Panel Three: Extreme close up of Elena's glasses. Her eyes are visible--but only just--and her irises are crimson.

ELENA: Make no mistake, sir, the Heart of Eris will be ready for the ritual when the time comes.

Panel Four: Exterior. Night. Rooftop in a metropolitan city. Skyscrapers jut into the heavens in the background. There are several skylights littered across the expanse of the rooftop and the moon is on the wax.

CAPTION: Aron City Museum

Page Two

Panel One: Close up of the edge of the roof.

Panel Two: Same perspective as last panel. A grappling hook is in mid flight, a few inches above the edge of the roof.

Panel Three: Same perspective as last two panels. The grappling hook has taken hold of the roof's edge, the attacked rope pulled taut.

Panel Four: A black gloved hand has entered the panel, grasping the roof's edge next to the grappling hook.

Panel Five: Long shot. The owner of the gloved hand is hoisting herself onto the roof. The details of the climber are not clear yet, but with the backlighting from the full moon, it is clear she is athletic, has legs that just don't quit and is dressed all in black--head to foot--including a hood (costume skin tight, naturally) and a small pack on her back. This is LAURA JOHNSON, cat burglar extraordinaire and our eventual protagonist.

Page Three

Panel One: Laura is creeping towards one of the skylights, easing her pack from her shoulders as she goes.

Panel Two: Closer to the skylight now, Laura drops her pack next to her foot and is leaning over the skylight to investigate the security she'll be up against.

Panel Three: From within the museum, looking upwards through the glass of the skylight, we get our first glimpse of Laura's face. Her bottom lip is caught up between her teeth and her brow is furrowed with thought. She looks puzzled.

Panel Four: Same perspective as last panel. Laura is gone from our view.

Panel Five: Same perspective as last two panels. Laura has returned with goggles in place and a small, odd looking tool pressed up against the glass, cutting through it in the shape of a large circle--large enough for a person to slip through.

Panel Six: Interior. Worm's eye view inside the museum. There are exhibits everywhere, though none of their details are clear in the near pitch blackness. We can see the display cases, but not much else.

Panel Seven: Same perspective as last panel. A pair of black leather boots are touching down on the floor.

Page Four

Panel One: Crouched on the ground where she landed, Laura looks extraordinarily pleased with herself. Her pack is back in its place, slung over her shoulders.

Panel Two: Medium shot, Laura's point of view, through the goggles (night vision). The museum is littered with displays of antiquities but the central piece is a large gem within a glass case. The laser beams that protect the displays are also visible and they are numerous to the point of absurdity.

Panel Three: Close up of the large gem. It is a five sided, deep red, faceted affair, roughly the size of a child’s fist, with a large crack down the center and a chip out of the top, giving it the appearance of being vaguely heart shaped (for shape reference, picture the Superman emblem but with a large chunk out of the topmost side). There is a small sign beneath the display case which reads “The Unknown Jewel” and beneath those large letters are smaller ones which disappear into the bottom of the panel. The smaller text reads “Scientists have been baffled by the molecular make-up of the Unknown Jewel since its discovery in Greece in 1923. By all accounts, the substance is indefinable and” that’s where the text cuts off.

Panel Four: Close up of Laura's face, smirking.

LAURA (whispered): Bingo.

Page Five

Panel One: Full page panel. Long shot. Laura in motion, each action melting into the last, a handspring, a flip, a cartwheel, twisting in the air and landing gracefully at the base of the gem's display case.

Page Six

Panel One: Medium shot, from behind the gem's display case. Laura looks extremely smug and is reaching for the display case.

Panel Two: Close up of the glass case. Laura's gloved hand is mere centimeters from its surface.

Panel Three: Same perspective as last panel. The very tip of one of Laura's fingers has touched the glass.

Panel Four: Close up of the gem. It has ominously started to glow.

Panel Five: Close up of Laura's eyes. The glow from the gem shows on her face, blue and eerie. She looks startled--and rightly so.

Laura: What the f--

Page Seven

Panel One: Full page panel. A massive explosion (!!) has erupted outwards from the gem's display case, hurling Laura backwards. The room is bathed in that same eerie blue glow, emanating from the unaffected gem, glinting off the pieces of flying glass that are everywhere. The other displays are falling due to the visible shockwave. It looks like a hurricane is trying to happen in the building! Displays are in the process of being overturned, glass is being shattered--it's complete and utter pandemoneum.

Page Eight

Panel One: Close up of one of the museum's wall mounted alarm bells in motion.

SFX: BRRRRRRRRRRNG!

Panel Two: Long shot of the museum display room. The place is in shambles. There's glass lying everywhere; tables are lying on their sides, exhibits shattered on the floor and Laura is lying in a heap, looking like a rag doll that's been thrown aside by a careless child. The gem's display case is the only exhibit still standing--though the glass case around it has mostly been blasted away--and it's still giving off its odd glow, but more intensely than earlier panels, so much so that it lights up the entire room.

Panel Three: Close up of Laura's face, lying on the floor, eyes closed. One of the lenses in her goggles was shattered on impact and her face is a mass of small cuts and scrapes. What little is left of the lens frames her eye and the rest of the pieces lie on the floor near her face.

Laura: Ungh...

Panel Four: Same perspective as last panel, but Laura has opened her eyes. The right one is now snow white and pupil-less.

Panel Five: Laura's POV of the museum display room, framed by the edges of the broken goggles lens so that we know we're looking through her eyes. The left hand side of the room is perfectly normal, where the right hand side appears to be waving, objects melting into one another in a nightmarish fashion.

Page Nine

Panel One: Laura in foreground, clearly disoriented. She is holding her head with one hand and struggling to scramble up off the floor. The scene around the right side of her body is blurry, while the left remains crisp and clear.

OFF PANEL: FREEZE!

Panel Two: Over the shoulder shot. Laura is looking up, still holding her head and has been confronted by a security guard with a gun. He fits the typical cop-on-the-edge look, as if he really can't wait for an excuse to squeeze the trigger.

GUARD: Hands where I can see them!

Panel Three: Laura's POV, looking directly at the guard. His face on the right side has melted into a truly grotesque demonic mask; fangs, horn, the whole nine yards.

Laura: No...

GUARD: I said hands where I can see them!!

Panel Four: Close up of the guard's finger on the trigger of his gun.

GUARD (off panel): I don't know how you did whatever the hell you did, lady, but so help me, if you don't put your hands up--

Panel Five: Focus on Laura, shaking her head against the horrific vision of the guard, her hand still clutching her forehead.

Laura: NO!

Page Ten

Panel One: Stony faced, the guard has pulled the trigger.

SFX: BANG!

Panel Two: Extreme close up of Laura's eyes, the reflection of the bullet heading towards her visible in them.

Panel Three: Same perspective as last shot except now, Laura's white eye is heavily mottled with black.

Panel Four: Close up of Laura, in profile, the bullet millimeters away from her face. The metal is melting in midair.

Panel Five: Focus on the guard, utterly panicked and firing at Laura repeatedly.

GUARD: What are you?!

SFX: BANG! BANG! BANG!

Page Eleven

Panel One: Normal shot. Laura looks just as panicked as the guard, but that doesn't keep the bullets hurtling towards her from melting just as the first one did before they can reach her. They are caught up in a bluish aura that is spreading outwards from her body.

Panel Two: Focus on the guard, terrified. The aura is closing in on him.

Guard: AAAAAAAH!

Panel Three: Same perspective as last panel. The guard has been engulfed by the blue glow and what little is visible through the glare isn't pretty. His skin has been singed away in places, leaving half of his face nothing but a skeleton, caught in mid-scream.

Page Twelve

Series of three, two-way split panels, comparing the aura that surrounds both Laura and the gem. The perspective of the gem doesn’t change, even though the panels focusing on Laura do.

Split Panel One: Medium shot, Laura in profile. The glow around her is strong, she looks agonized. In contrast, the glow around the gem has taken on a bluish purple hue and is weaker than it was originally.

Split Panel Two: Normal shot, Laura hunched over, appearing to be in pain. The glow is even stronger around her, making her appear ethereal. The glow around the gem is now a deep violet and the radius of the glow has shrunk considerably.

Split Panel Three: Bird's eye view, Laura has collapsed on the floor on her side, clutching her head, curled up tightly in the fetal position. The glow seems to come from within her now, spreading outwards. The gem is barely glowing now, its violet hue getting as close to black as possible.

Page Thirteen

Panel One: Full page panel. Laura lies on the ground, unconscious.

Panel Two (inset): Close up of the gem. There is a tiny, tiny spark in the very center of it.

Panel Three (inset): Same perspective as last panel. The gem has flickered out completely, leaving it cold, dead and black.

Page Fourteen

Panel One: Bird’s eye view. Laura is lying (presumably nude) in a king sized bed, tangled in its sheets. Her cuts and scrapes have been bandaged with care.

Panel Two: Extreme close up of Laura’s face. Her brow is furrowed, eyes squeezed shut tightly.

Panel Three: Same perspective as last panel. Laura’s eyes have snapped open and the right one is snowy white once again.

Panel Four: Laura has darted up in bed, clutching the sheet to her chest, looking fearful and confused.

Laura: Where--

OFF PANEL: About time you got up.

Page Fifteen

Panel One: Over the shoulder shot, Laura’s POV. There is a man, tall, gaunt, gruff looking, roughly sixty years of age, with his arms crossed over his chest, scrutinizing her. This is THE CARETAKER.

Panel Two: Focus on Laura, pulling the sheet up even higher, with an air of barely restrained suspicion.

Laura: Where am I?

Panel Three: The Caretaker looks mildly amused, one eyebrow raised in curiosity.

Caretaker:  A more appropriate question to ask in this situation might be ‘Who am I?’, don’t you think?

Laura: Don’t be stupid, I know who I am.

Caretaker: Do you now?

Panel Four: Focus on the Caretaker, smirking, eyes twinkling and looking generally far too smug for his own good.

CARTAKER: Some people wake up to find that they aren’t the same person they were yesterday. Happens all the time.

Laura: Great, I’ve been kidnapped and stripped by a riddle nut. Just what I need.

Panel Five: Close up of the Caretaker’s face, smiling outright.

Caretaker: I didn’t strip you. Your clothes disintegrated.

Panel Six: Focus on Laura, face twisted in disbelief as she tucks the sheet around herself in a makeshift toga.

Laura: Well, that’s a hell of a trick. You got my clothes to disintegrate.  I suppose you wrote the Penthouse forum about this miraculous power of yours, did you?

Page Sixteen

Panel One: Laura is climbing off the bed.

Laura: Plan on selling some how-to books? I know a few guys who’d want a copy or eight.

Panel Two: Worm’s eye view of the floor near Laura’s feet. There are symbols carved into the tiles, forming a circle around the bed.

OFF PANEL: I wouldn’t step outside the circle, if I were you…

Panel Three: Laura’s eyes are narrowed with wariness and she’s pointing towards the floor.

Laura: What, this circle?

Panel Four: Laura has put one foot outside the circle of symbols.

Laura: This circle I’m stepping out of right now?

Panel Five: Focus on the circle, the symbols glowing gold as if the floor has been punched out in places and there’s a flashlight being shined from underneath.

Laura: I don’t know what kind of sick game you’re playing, but--

Page Seventeen

Panel One: Focus on Laura, one foot outside the circle, one still in. The scene around her is shifting back into the strange, nightmarish melting world from the museum.

Panel Two (inset): Laura’s eyes have gone wide, the white one now with a grayish cast and a few specks of black invading the otherwise colorless orb.

Panel Three: Laura has stumbled back inside the circle and the floor has ceased glowing. The scene around her is clear and perfectly ordinary.

Panel Four: Laura’s knees hit the edge of the bed, causing her to lose her balance and fall backwards onto the mattress.

Panel Five: Laura sits on the bed, properly alarmed once more.

Laura: What--what’s happening to me?

Page Eighteen

Panel One: Medium shot. The Caretaker’s face has turned  gravely serious.

Caretaker: Happened. Past tense.

Laura: What?

Panel Two: Close up of the Caretaker’s eyes, narrowed. The image of Laura, clutching her sheet and looking anxious, is reflected in his eyes.

Caretaker: You took in the Essence of Eris.

Panel Three: Medium shot, focus on Laura, confused.

OFF PANEL You’re the new Goddess of Discord.

Page Nineteen

Panel One: Long shot. Exterior. Night. Parking lot outside the Aron City Museum. There are police cars everywhere, yellow tape put up and there is an ambulance in the background where EMTs are loading a stretcher with a body bag on it (which is smoking). In the foreground, we see Elena, highlighted by the lights from the police cars, looking grim. She appears to be an ordinary woman with the style of a scientist (lab coat, pencil skirt, hair pulled into a bun and glasses) with the exception of her eyes being an otherworldly red.

SFX (from off panel): SCREEE!

Panel Two: Medium shot. Focus on Elena’s face as she looks over her shoulder. There is a set of headlights visible directly behind her, but the make and model of the car they’re attached to isn’t clear.

Panel Three: Medium shot. Focus on the car. It’s a black limo and one of the doors has been opened in invitation.

FROM INSIDE THE CAR: Elena. Come.

Panel Four: Elena approaches the car. She looks determined, hands clenched into fists at her side as she goes.

Panel Five: From inside the car (as if we’re sitting in the backseat with the occupant) we see Elena getting in. She is illuminated by the interior light and nothing else.

Page Twenty

Panel One: The car door has been shut and the light has gone out. Elena--visible only in silhouette, highlighted by the flashing lights from the police cars outside--is seated next to another figure. Since the light is coming from Elena’s side of the limo, her companion is even more bathed in shadow, so much so that we can‘t even get a basic idea of what this person looks like. The figure will eventually be revealed as CHRISTOPHER BURGESS, a high ranking member of the NYX SOCIETY. For now, the only distinguishing feature Christopher has in the darkness is that of the glowing tip of his cigar and the eerie brownish gold glow emanating from his eyes.

Panel Two: Same perspective as last panel.

CHRISTOPHER: The Heart of Eris?

Panel Three (inset): Elena, in profile, she looks downtrodden. Depressed. Disappointed with herself.

ELENA: I’m sorry. There was…an unexpected complication. A common thief.

Panel Four: Same perspective as first two panels. Elena’s head is tipped down ever so slightly, furthering the impression that she’s ashamed. Her eyes are closed.

ELENA: I failed.

ELENA: I know the penalty.

Panel Five: Same perspective as previous. A few rings of smoke are lifting from Christopher’s side of the car. The atmosphere is tense.

Page Twenty One

Panel One: Close up of the glow of Christopher’s eyes, smoke still rising around him.

CHRISTOPHER: The Society has agreed to spare you.

Panel Two: Focus on Elena. She looks extremely surprised.

ELENA: But--

OFF PANEL Make no mistake, this is not a full pardon, Elena.

OFF PANEL: You have been charged with cleaning up the mess you’ve made…and if you can’t…

Panel Three: Same perspective as last panel, but Elena’s expression has changed. She appears determined once again.

ELENA: I understand.

Panel Four: Elena has reached out and has opened the limo door, one foot out on the pavement.

ELENA: The thief will be dead by morning.

Page Twenty Two

Panel One: Long shot. Interior. We’re back in the room where we last left Laura and the Caretaker. She is seated on the bed, still holding the sheet to conceal her nudity and he stands across from her.

LAURA (whispered): Goddess of Discord.

Panel Two: Focus on Laura’s face. She isn’t looking directly at us, but sideways, as if ashamed of what she‘s about to say.

Laura: Under ordinary circumstances, I’d say you‘re out of touch with the real world…

Laura: But after everything I’ve been through tonight, maybe I’m not the best judge of what constitutes the meaning of reality and what doesn’t. Especially considering it keeps melting around me.

Panel Three: Over the shoulder shot from behind the Caretaker. Laura isn’t looking at him and her bottom lip is caught between her teeth.

Caretaker: I’m glad you’re willing to listen.

Panel Four: Medium shot of the Caretaker. He is reaching into his pocket for something.

Caretaker: Not many in your position would.

Panel Five: Close up of the Caretaker’s hand, outstretched. He’s holding a pair of glasses (with round, dark red lenses--think John Lennon-esque) that sparkle in the light.

Caretaker: Put these on if you want to leave the circle.

Panel Six: Medium shot. Laura is reaching for the glasses.

Caretaker: They were made from a piece of the Heart of Eris.

Panel Seven: Focus on Laura, putting the glasses on.

Caretaker: They’ll help contain your powers for now.

Page Twenty Three

Panel One: Medium shot. Laura’s hands are back to holding the sheet tightly against her chest and looks somewhat uncomfortable.

Laura: I don’t suppose you’ve got any spare panties in those pockets of yours, do you?

Panel Two: Medium shot. Focus on the Caretaker, amused once more.

Caretaker: I’m afraid not.

Caretaker: But I’m sure I have something to suit you…

Panel Three: Over the shoulder shot from behind Laura. The Caretaker has turned his back to her and is walking away.

Caretaker: Follow me.

Panel Four: Focus on Laura, looking skeptically after the Caretaker.

Laura: Was I the only one who saw the world go all squiggly the last time I tried to get off this bed?

Panel Five: From behind the Caretaker. He’s glancing over his shoulder, looking directly at Laura (and us).

Caretaker: As a matter of fact, you are.

Caretaker: But you’re protected against that happening again now.

Page Twenty Four
Panel One: Medium shot. The Caretaker has turned away from Laura once more and is walking away from her.

Caretaker: If you want to know what happened to you, follow.

Panel Two: Focus on Laura, biting her lip and her brow furrowed.

Panel Three: Medium shot. Laura has decided to stand.

Panel Four: Worm’s eye view. Focus on the symbols on the floor. Laura’s left foot is off the floor, poised to step over the boundary.

Panel Five (inset): Close up of Laura, her eyes squeezed shut.

Panel Six: Same perspective as panel four; Laura’s foot has been set on the floor.

Panel Seven (inset): Close up of Laura, her eyes have popped open.

Page Twenty Five

Panel One: Long shot. Laura’s POV (note that everything is tinted red, as though we’re looking through her glasses). Everything about the room  is perfectly normal, not a single melting item in sight. The Caretaker is in her field of view, further away than before.

Panel Two: Medium shot. Laura in motion, trying to keep her sheet wrapped around herself modestly as she runs after the Caretaker.

Laura: Hey! Wait a second!

Panel Three: Medium shot. Laura has caught up to the Caretaker and is now walking next to him.

Laura: Okay, so nothing tried to explode and nothing went all…melty.

Laura: Don’t get me wrong, it’s a vast improvement, but it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Panel Four: The Caretaker is eyeing Laura askance, one corner of his mouth quirked upwards.

Caretaker: You’d better stop looking for things that make sense, you’ll only be disappointed.

Panel Five: Focus on an obscenely large oak door, covered with similar symbols as those that were on floor. There is a silver doorknocker in the shape of a misshapen face. The Caretaker and Laura are approaching it.

Panel Six: Focus on the doorknocker. Its expression has changed, indicating that it has moved. It looks somewhat puzzled.

DOORKNOCKER: Eris has awakened?

Panel Seven: The door has swung open.

DOORKNOCKER: You may enter.

Page Twenty Six

Panel One: Focus on Laura and the Caretaker, from the Doorknocker‘s POV looking down at them. The Caretaker has taken the talking doorknocker in stride, as though this is an everyday occurrence, while Laura stares, openmouthed.

Laura: This is the part where I’m supposed to say ‘I don’t think I’m in Kansas anymore’, right?

Panel Two: Laura and the Caretaker are walking past the open door and the Doorknocker’s expression has changed to one of delight.

Laura: Or is this more of a down the rabbit hole, through the looking glass sort of thing?

Caretaker: Neither.

Panel Three: Medium shot. Laura and the Caretaker are inside the room fully now. It’s a library. Shelves and shelves of dusty looking books line the walls. There are also several different sorts of weapons scattered here and there--bows, axes, swords, shields--and various odd looking archeological finds.

Laura: I see you went with the old world armory meets Victorian library look. Bold choice.

Panel Four: Medium shot. Laura stands awkwardly in the hollow of the doorway as the Caretaker steps away from her (toward us).

Caretaker: Once you get to know me, you’ll find I prefer function over form.

Panel Five: Over the shoulder shot, behind the Caretaker. He is approaching a large, ornate chest.

Laura: Who said anything about wanting to get to know you?

Caretaker: It’s not a choice, my dear.

Laura: Oh, you think so, huh? I’ll have you know--

Panel Six (inset): Focus back on Laura. The door has just slammed shut behind her, startling her.

SFX: SLAM!

Laura: EEP!

Page Twenty Seven

Panel One: Focus on Laura, looking over her shoulder at the door. There is a knocker identical to the one on the other side, but this one is smirking at her.

DOORKNOCKER: So sorry.

Panel Two: Same perspective as last panel. Laura is glaring at the doorknocker.

Laura: Smartass.

Panel Three: Medium shot. The Caretaker has approached Laura, with a small stack of folded clothes--all black and made of slick leather--in hand. There is a pair of ankle boots on top of the stack as well.

Caretaker: These should fit you.

Panel Four: Laura reaches out for the clothes with one hand, still trying to keep her sheet in place.

Laura: Leather?

Laura: I guess anything is better than a sheet….even dominatrix gear.

LAURA (muttered): Though I really don’t want to know why you’ve got these…

Panel Five: Out of gentlemanly courtesy, the Caretaker has turned around so that his back is to Laura. She is unfolding the pair of pants he handed her.

Laura: So, you know what happened to me, right? Feel like telling me?

Caretaker: What do you know about Eris?

Panel Six: Medium shot from behind Laura. She has dropped the sheet and is nude to the waist (nothing is visible from this perspective), tugging at the pants to get them to sit properly on her hips.

LAURA (muttered): It’s not nice to answer a question with another question…

Laura: I remember something about her from high school…she was a myth.

Page Twenty Eight

Panel One: Laura has bent over to scoop up the top half of her borrowed outfit.

Caretaker: The ancient gods were not myths. They once existed as very powerful beings with sway over all the greatest natural forces, worshipped as Gods.

Caretaker: Right up until they were no longer needed by mankind.

Laura: And then what, they retired and went to Boca?

Panel Two: Laura is slipping into the front lacing corset-style top that she has just picked up, plucking at the laces and looking slightly muddled at how to get the thing on properly.

Caretaker: The deities faded, but their powers remained within the elements that they had controlled during their height. Universal constants like death still have personifications, but for the most part, all the 'lesser' Gods faded, save one.

Caretaker: Eris, Goddess of Discord.

Panel Three: Laura has a pair of balled up socks in hand, unrolling them from each other.

Laura: Didn’t she stir up trouble and start wars and stuff?

Caretaker: Her abilities went far beyond meddling in mortal affairs.

Caretaker: Eris’ powers were of absolute discord, going so far as to allow her the power to create disharmony between the elements that make up solid objects.

Panel Four: Laura is slipping her socks on.

Laura: So…that was what caused the melting? Discord between the elements?

Caretaker: Yes. Objects cannot hold as a solid form when the power of Discord is interfering with their structure.

Panel Five: Laura is slipping a foot into one of the ankle boots.

Caretaker: Eris’ powers of absolute discord were too volatile to be allowed freedom. No one could control her.

Caretaker: She was the product of a strictly forbidden joining between two Gods. An abomination. In the great scheme of things, she never should have come to be.

Caretaker: So before their twilight was realized fully, the Gods combined their powers to create a cage for her. They imprisoned her within a gem, where her powers would remain safely dormant.

Panel Six: Laura is kneeling, pulling up the zipper on the side of her boot and the Caretaker has turned back around.

Laura: They sure as hell don't look dormant to me.

Caretaker: Yes…well. It was necessary to allow the Essence to be released.

Panel Seven: Laura is standing up once more, fully clothed, ramrod straight, staring at the Caretaker.

Laura: Allow? You mean you had control over this? Isn’t that somewhat contradictory to the whole ‘uncontrollable powers’ thing?

Page Twenty Nine

Panel One: Focus on the Caretaker. He looks grave.

Caretaker: There was no choice.

Panel Two:  This is a flashback panel, dreamlike, surreal. Interior. A temple made entirely of stone. There are altars and torches lining the walls; a statue of Eris (tall, beautiful, winged) is the central focal point of the room. In her outstretched hand, the Heart of Eris is set. A fierce battle is being waged around the statue; there are men in dirt brown robes (almost like monks), fighting back legions of the undead. One of these men in brown is the Caretaker. Skeletons and decaying corpses are on the other end of the fray. It’s a very gritty fight. Blood, guts, gore, the whole enchilada.

CARETAKER (CAPTION): The Heart of Eris--the gem you tried to steal--has been guarded by a sacred order since its creation to keep it out of the wrong hands.

Panel Three: Focus on the Caretaker in the middle of the fight. He’s fighting off several corpses on his own. He’s holding up rather well in comparison to some of his comrades, but this is not to last. Behind him there is a particularly nasty looking corpse with a sword in hand, raised above its head, poised to stab him.

CARETAKER (CAPTION): An order of which I am the last living member.

CARETAKER (CAPTION): After centuries of carefully conceived strategically significant engagements, our enemies gained the upper hand…

Panel Four: The corpse behind the Caretaker has driven its sword into his back, all the way through his torso. He’s a Caretaker-kabob.

CARETAKER (CAPTION): The massacre in the last temple of Eris was thorough…

Panel Five: The Caretaker has fallen forward on the ground, eyes glassy, sword sticking straight up in his back.

CARETAKER (CAPTION): And the gem was taken from its rightful protectors.

Page Thirty

Panel One: Back to the present, focus on the Caretaker. He is absently rubbing his chest with one hand at the memory of his near death.

Caretaker: The Nyx Society--practitioners of the dark arts--was responsible for the slaughter.

Caretaker: Their leader intended to use the Heart in a ritual that would imbue all its powers to him.

Panel Two: Medium shot. Laura is looking at the Caretaker oddly.

Laura: What was this all important gem doing in a museum, then?

Caretaker: Hiding in plain sight.

Caretaker: The Nyx Society meant it to remain undisturbed until the time for the transference ritual dawned.

Panel Three: Laura has caught her bottom lip between her teeth anxiously.

Laura: And...I disturbed it.

Panel Four: Laura looks angry with herself.

Laura: Damn it, I knew there was a reason why I stopped taking work-for-hire heists!

Laura: I was supposed to just slip in and out all stealthy-like and get this super-duper mysterious rock--an easy paint-by-numbers-job--and now look at me! Me and my irrepressible greed!

Laura: I should have known something funky would have to happen with an anonymous guy hiring me!

Panel Four: The Caretaker has crossed his arms over his chest and is looking at her sternly.

Caretaker: Yes…I apologize for the deception.

Laura: Deception?

Caretaker: I am the man who hired you.

Panel Five: Laura looks like she’s going to explode.

Laura: WHAT?!

Caretaker: Powerful wards were put in place to keep out all those who wanted the gem because of its true nature, myself included.

Caretaker: I needed someone without a vested interest in the gem to retrieve it for me…so I anonymously employed a thief. You.

Caretaker: Since you thought it nothing but an expensive bauble, the wards didn’t recognize you as a threat.

Panel Six: Laura is gesturing with her hands.

Laura: Not a threat? Not a threat?! Then what was with all the bright blue light and the BOOM?

Caretaker: I set wards of my own around the museum after discovering that I couldn't get to the gem...

Caretaker: Wards that forced the Essence to take the first person who didn't want to use it for evil intent as host. The joining is...a violent experience, but a needed one, in this case.

Caretaker: Select members of the Order of Eris are learned in the ways of controlling the Essence to an extent in circumstances such as these.

Caretaker: As I said, it was necessary.

Panel Seven: Laura is absolutely furious, pointing at the Caretaker angrily.

Laura: Necessary, he says! That’s just fabulous! I’m ‘host’ to some…something and you’re telling me it was necessary! And you did it on purpose!

Caretaker: Calm yourself. I can undo the joining, but only once I have regained possession of the Heart.

Panel Seven: Laura appears subdued, but still slightly suspicious.

Laura: You can fix this?

Caretaker: Yes…but right now, there are bigger problems to deal with.

Laura: Oh, such as?

Caretaker: There are forces at work which seek to use the Essence of Eris to unmake existence.

Page Thirty One

Panel One: Laura has crossed her arms over her chest.

Laura: You know, I pride myself on being a common sense kind of girl, and if I were an evil society bent on world domination, unmaking existence would be counterproductive.

Caretaker: Unless you meant to remake it to your specifications.

Panel Two: Close up. Laura is gaping at the Caretaker.

Laura: They can do that?

Panel Three: Medium shot. The Caretaker has taken another step closer to Laura, staring her down as if to drive home the point of just how severe the situation is.

Caretaker: The Nyx Society is made up of nothing but the most powerful evil beings on the planet…

Caretaker: They can do anything with the right tools at their disposal.

Caretaker: Forcing the Essence to take a host was the only way to be certain the gem would be rendered useless in the ritual and that the power over Discord would remain unavailable for them to twist to their benefit.

Panel Four: Close up. Focus on Laura, brow furrowed, deep in thought. She looks as if she understands.

Laura: Better the power’s in my hands than theirs?

OFF PANEL: Precisely.

OFF PANEL: At least this way, I have the opportunity to try and set things right once again.

OFF PANEL: They may have the Heart, but the Essence is what makes it a useful magical object.

Page Thirty Two

Panel One: Long shot. Laura is looking up at the Caretaker.

Laura: And since it’s inside me…

Caretaker: The gem is nothing more than a cold, dead rock.

Laura: Okay, so now that the Heart of Eris is nothing but a neat looking paperweight, the world is safe?

Panel Two (inset): Close up of the Caretaker’s face, his eyes narrowed.

Caretaker: I would worry less about the world and more about myself if I were in your shoes...

Caretaker: If you die, the Essence escapes and heads back to the gem where it ‘belongs’. A human body wasn’t meant to house such power…it would make a break for freedom at its first opportunity.

Caretaker: And death of the host is its opportunity.

Caretaker: If that happens, my work will have been for naught…the Nyx Society will have an active relic once more.

Panel Three: Laura looks sour faced and generally in a very bad temper.

Laura: Why do I get the feeling that spells an army of supernatural hitmen in my immediate future?

Panel Three: Long shot. The entire room has suddenly started to shake. Books are falling off shelves, swords are clinking against each other. Things are in a general disarray and Laura has stumbled forward; the Caretaker has her by the arms, steadying her.

SFX: RUMBLE

Laura: What in the hell is that?!

Page Thirty Three

Panel One (large panel is a must!): Long shot. The room is still shaking, the movement more violent than before. There are papers being strewn about. Laura is hanging onto the Caretaker for dear life; he, meanwhile, is looking towards us, barely aware of her presence.

Caretaker: Company.

Panel Two: Medium shot. The Caretaker has pried himself free from Laura’s grip and is reaching for the nearest weapon: a battle axe.

Caretaker: Arm yourself.

Panel Three: Focus on Laura, panicked.

Laura: Arm myself? Arm myself?! Do I look like a master swordsman to you?!

Laura: Maybe if you had a gun…

Laura: Some plastique…

Laura: A chainsaw…

Panel FOUR (inset): Laura is shouting, mouth wide open, hands curled into fists at her side, eyes shut. She looks like she's having a five year old's tantrum.

Laura: You know, something NOT from the dark ages!!

Panel Five: Medium shot. The Caretaker is shoving Laura towards a large selection of weapons.

Caretaker: Just pick something!

Panel Six: From behind the Caretaker and Laura, we can see the large doorway that they had entered through is bowing inwards as if it’s made of rubber and someone is pushing on it from the other side. Laura is scrambling, reaching for the nearest sword she can get her hands on.

Caretaker: Take off your glasses, look at the sword!

Laura: But it’ll melt!

Page Thirty Four

Panel One: Medium shot. Caretaker in foreground, Laura in the background. She‘s holding onto the sword awkwardly. It’s clear she’s never held anything like it before and her discomfort is obvious.

Caretaker: Do it! Focus on the steel! Concentrate on making your powers a part of it rather than destroying it!

Panel Two: Focus on Laura, tearing her glasses from her face.

Laura: Are you sure this is going to work?

Caretaker: Not positive but it’s a possibility!

Caretaker: And right now, we need all the edge we can get!

Panel Three: Close up of Laura’s eyes, the reflection of the sword in them. The right one has started to go gray and a few specs of black have come to the surface.

LAURA (muttered): A possibility. I’m trusting my life to a possibility.

Panel Four: Medium shot. Laura is focusing on the sword. It has started to melt around the edges.

Laura: No, no, no, come on!

Panel Five: Close up of Laura’s eyes. The black mottling in the right has increased. There is sweat gathering on her forehead as she concentrates.

Laura: Come on, baby, come on…

Panel Six: Focus on the sword. It has solidified.

Panel Seven (inset): Same perspective as last panel. The sword has begun to glow with a white aura (it's a blobby, transparent shape around the blade), dotted with large patches of black.

OFF PANEL: Yes!

Panel Eight: Long shot. Laura puts her glasses back on as she stands next to the Caretaker, both of them stand prepared for whatever is coming, though Laura appears to feel a little uncomfortable with the weight of her glowing sword.

Page Thirty Five

Panel One: Long shot, from behind Laura and the Caretaker. The wall that was bending inwards is reaching a critical point, the door is splitting.

SFX: Creeeeeak!

Laura: Oh crap…

Panel Two: Same perspective as last panel. The wall explodes! Pieces of plaster and wood fly towards Laura and the Caretaker, who both shield their eyes against the blast that is trying to throw them backwards.

Page Thirty Six

Panel One: Full page panel, focusing on where the wall has been blown away. It appears as though the entire building beyond that wall has fallen already. There is a large contingent of rotting corpses standing just beyond the ruins of the wall and floating in midair above them, is Elena. Her glasses are gone, her body is surrounded by an ominous red aura that is strongest around her eyes and she is dressed in a flowing robe befitting any self respecting sorcerer, with a staff made of bones outstretched over her little army. Clearly, she is master and commander here.

Panel Two (inset): Close up of Laura, in profile, staring at the undead horde and looking appropriately scared.

Laura: Zombies?

Laura: Great.
©2008-2009 ~bitemetechie
:iconbitemetechie:

Author's Comments

Okay. Seriously. This is the FINAL draft. Comment and critique, people. I mean it. I neeeeed your input.

Did I mention I'll love you forever? Huh? Did I?

Comments


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:iconkarma-k2:
Can't say about critique, but comment-wise - I'd totally read that!! I mean, in comic-book (graphic novel?) form. :D Because wow.

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You think killing people might make them like you but it doesn't. It just makes people dead. ~ Lord Voldemort in A Very Potter Musical Act 2, Part 9.

Avatar created by ~NearlyHeadlessPup
:icondarkinja125:
Page three, panel three: how much of her eyes can we see? Is she wearing goggles or what?
Page six, panel five: "what the f-" doesn't sound like something a startled person would say.
Page nine, panel three: Laura's line "no" doesn't make sense to me. She has just been exploded. From where does this well of resistance come from?
Page ten, panel five: "What are you!?" sounds a little over-done.
Page eleven, panel one: She's back to being terrified. She needs consistency.
Page fifteen, panel one: Should the Caretaker be sitting or standing? Sitting suggests he has been there for some time, expecting nothing. Standing suggests he has only recently entered or waiting impatiently.
Page seventeen, panel five: "What's happening to me?" is another common phrase.
I love that whole seen. That scene sells us on the admirable defiance of your character. I wish Laura's interaction with the guard had a similar spark. Maybe that solves the emotional problem from before.
Page twenty-three, panel five: The Caretaker's last line is a bit too long. It doesn't flow right, you know? It sounds forced.
Page thirty, panel five: I don't think it's necessary for the Caretaker to say "you" after "employed a thief." We've all figured that out by now.
Can I just say that this is fan-freaking-tastic? I love your characters, and everything is very well thought out. I did leave some suggests. Take what you can from them.

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We apologize for the inconvenience.
:iconvyrillykos:
Are you micro-managing the artests work?

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Intention can only mitigate transgression, never absolve.
:iconbitemetechie:
Page three, panel three: It's mentioned in the panel directly following that one that she's returned with goggles. This means she didn't have any on to begin with. Character descriptions traded with the artists clarify that as well...maybe I should post those XD

Page six, Panel five: You're standing in front of a gem, it starts to glow worryingly. Your first thought would probably be 'What the fuck?'

Page nine, panel three: Yes, she's just been exploded. She's confused and disoriented.

Page ten, panel five: "What are you?!" is definitely overdone, but realisitc.

Page eleven, panel one: Again. Confused and disoriented. She's allowed to be inconsistent.

Page fifteen, panel one: You're absolutely right. I should specify the Caretaker's stance for clarity when it comes to the scene. Thanks! I'll edit ASAP.

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Do you love Batman? Do you love his villains even more? You should check out the CATverse: the only in-character massive Batman fanfiction universe online.
:iconbitemetechie:
Gyah, stupid enter button >.<

Page seventeen: A common phrase, yes, but it leads in for the Caretaker's next bit of dialogue. I just...like him correcting her grammatical tenses.

Page twenty-three: There's a really good article on writing comic books by this absolutely brilliant man by the name of Drew Melbourne (you should read his stuff; Archenemies is fantastic--like, me fantastic) and the gist of it is that no matter how obvious you think you're being, you should still be about fifteen percent more obvious, just so you don't lose that one percent of the audience that's not sharp enough to follow the subtlety you're going for.

I thank thee heartily! So glad you enjoyed and critiqued! It's awesome to get some feedback on this thing. <3

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Do you love Batman? Do you love his villains even more? You should check out the CATverse: the only in-character massive Batman fanfiction universe online.
:iconbitemetechie:
My artist dropped out, remember? I'm just tweaking the script to perfection before I search for another one--hence why I'm posting here for feedback :P

But if you mean with the description and such, it's not micromanaging. I've actually gone really light on the control-freak-ness that is 'supposed' to be in a comic script. I know guys who'd describe everything in the scene, from the color of the shoelaces the heroine has to the texture of the floor.

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Do you love Batman? Do you love his villains even more? You should check out the CATverse: the only in-character massive Batman fanfiction universe online.
:iconbitemetechie:
Yaaaaaaaaay. That's one in favor! That makes me happy! :glomp:

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Do you love Batman? Do you love his villains even more? You should check out the CATverse: the only in-character massive Batman fanfiction universe online.
:icondarkinja125:
In the interest of being obvious, consistency is a must.
Though disorientation isn't something that shows in the writing. You and your artist would need to pull together on that one, I think.

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:icondarkinja125:
You're absolutely right! Plainness is key.

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May 21, 2008
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